


The A's to Z's of Loving You: Disaster Edition.

by Actual_Writing_Trashcan



Series: Colossus Hyperfixation Collection [56]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: ALL THE GOOD STUFF, F/M, Mention of injuries, The poor man, also practice good sex hygiene kiddos, and on another related note ow, but it is not spank bank material, i don't know what you're into, like it has the 'e' rating because it's about sex, on a related note hank needs a raise, or it might be, pee after sex. use lube. don't try to have sex while flying in midair, pegging gone wrong, surprise anal sex, this is the least sexy smut i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 22:55:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20366458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Writing_Trashcan/pseuds/Actual_Writing_Trashcan
Summary: As much as we love the hot stuff, sometimes sex just isn't... sexy.That's what this is. A list of times that sex with Piotr wasn't sexy, done NSFW Alphabet style because why not?This has an "E" rating because it is NSFW, but it's really not spank bank material. Or maybe it is; I don't know what you're into.(Set throughout the span of the CHC.)[All warnings in the tags.]





	The A's to Z's of Loving You: Disaster Edition.

**Author's Note:**

> You're welcome.
> 
> (Also, the "Mashka" mentioned under the "Dirty Secret" section is yours and Piotr's eldest daughter; she'll be showing up before too long ;D.)

** _A: Aftercare._ **

You look up as the door to the bedroom you share with Piotr swings open --and, surprise surprise, it’s your boyfriend.

He hands you a pharmacy bag. “Antibiotics. Take one pill, twice daily, for two weeks.”

You double check the instructions on the bottle, then huff grumpily and go back to drinking your glass of cranberry juice. _Note to self: never forget to pee after sex again._

* * *

** _B: Body Part._ **

He hears a choking noise first, which is promptly followed by a raucous chorus of laughter --Mikhail’s laughter, no less, which means that he’s probably in for another round of suffering in some way, shape, or form.

His assumptions are proven right when he walks into the kitchen and sees Mikhail on the floor, flat on his back, and you sitting across the counter --_oh_.

“I thought you going to try covering those,” he says mildly as his eyes trace the myriad of hickeys covering your neck and collar bone.

“I _did_,” you retort, glaring at him a little. “You ran me out of concealer.”

And he does genuinely feel bad about that; as much as he likes marking you up, he doesn’t want you to feel embarrassed or humiliated. He’ll buy you some more to help make it up to you.

“Well,” Mikhail chortles as he wipes tears of mirth away from his eyes. “I guess that answers whether you are still virgin or not.”

Piotr just rolls his eyes and steps over his older brother. “How much longer until you leave, again?” 

* * *

** _C: Cum._ **

The tissues are ineffectual at best. Maybe if his pants weren’t _solid black_, he would’ve had a chance at disguising it, but no, no such luck for him.

“Whoa-ho-ho-_ho_!” Wade crows as Piotr walks out of the changing room. “And here I thought spitting was for quitters!”

You just smirk at the red-clad anti-hero. “Wrong hole, doofus.”

He closes his eyes and bites back a groan as Wade’s laughter and teasing grow louder and more obnoxious.

There are times where he _really_ hates it when you egg Wade on.

* * *

** _D: Dirty Secret._ **

It’s not every day you come home to your husband sitting on the couch, staring off at nothing, while his older brother stands triumphantly over him, holding--

You gasp, horrified, when you see _just what_ Mikhail’s holding. “Where in the _hell_ did you get that?” you hiss.

“Mashka found it,” Mikhail explains as he gestures with the spreader bar. “Was trying to play baseball with it. I helped her find real bat instead.”

You heave a sigh of relief --both that your brother-in-law wasn’t snooping in your bedroom, and that he kept your daughter from being inadvertently embarrassed if someone else had found her--then let out a snort. “Did she hit any home runs?”

“Not quite,” Mikhail chuckles. “_Nyet_, _medvezhonok_ and I were just discussing the merits of proper storage.”

And you can imagine _just_ how well _that’s_ been going.

“If you would care to join us,” Mikhail offers with a self-amused grin.

“Probably not,” you say with a smile. You hold out your hand towards Mikhail. “I think I’ll take that now.”

“But, _zolovka_, the merits of proper storing are so important to discuss!”

“I agree. But you don’t know what that’s been attached to,” you fire back, pointing at the spreader bar. “Or had spilled on it.”

Mikhail regards the spreader for a moment, then calmly hands the spreader bar off to you before striding out of the room. “I am washing hands now.”

Piotr sighs heavily and rubs his hands over his face. “Thank you. He kept teleporting away whenever I tried to take it back.”

“I figured as much.” You hold out the spreader bar to your husband. “How about you go put this away while I get started on dinner.”

Piotr grimaces and takes the spreader bar as he stands. “_Da_.”

* * *

** _E: Experience._ **

He should’ve known better. He’s the more experienced one, he’s the one who knows some of the secret ins and outs of sex, he should’ve _known_\--

Piotr grimaces as he eyes the red stains on the stark white towel. There’s not enough to be cause for alarm, but it’s still going to be a _pain_ to get out.

He should’ve known better than to put down a white towel for your first time.

* * *

** _F: Favorite Position._ **

There’s a lot of upsides to how the two of you normally have sex. It’s intimate, it’s tender, it’s nice and warm during the winter…

There are, however, downsides.

Namely, when your boyfriend accidentally chokes you with his shoulder.

Piotr gives you a look that’s equal parts ashamed and concerned as he hands you a cup of water. “I am _so_ sorry, _myshka_.”

“It’s okay,” you rasp before sipping down half the cup. You pat his thigh reassuringly as he sits next to you. “Though, if it’s all the same to you, I don’t think I want to have sex now. The mood’s kinda… dead.”

He nods. “I feel same way.”

You finish your cup of water, then nod at your laptop. “Want to watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

* * *

** _G: Goofy._ **

You bounce into Piotr’s art studio and wrap your arms around his shoulders --after giving him plenty of time to set his pen down; you’re not a sadist. “Hey, baby, if you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple.”

Piotr blinks, then snorts. “Very funny, _msyhka_.”

“And if you were a vegetable,” you giggle, “you’d be a cute-cumber.”

He chuckles and resumes drawing. “Is that so?”

You giggle harder. “Yeah. Hey, Piotr, was your dad a baker?”

Confusion finally flickers over his face, because he knows full well that you know Nikolai is a farmer. “What--”

“Because you got a nice set of buns.”

He sighs when the penny drops and shakes his head. “Really?”

“I have more,” you half-say, half-laugh.

He sighs harder, but he’s grinning. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. You like to draw? Because I put the ‘d’ in ‘raw.’” You consider that one for a minute, then smack your palm against your forehead. “Wait, no--”

Piotr laughs, then sets his pencil down and turns around so he’s facing you. “Is there point to this?”

“I’m seducing you. Is it working?”

“Very much so,” he says as he puts his hands on your hips. “I am completely seduced.”

“Yay!” you cheer quietly as you clamber into his lap. “I’m a Master Seductress!”

“That you are, _myshka_.”

You grin and waggle your eyebrows at him. “Would you like to haves the sex?”

Piotr snorts and drops his forehead to rest against your shoulder. “Eh, why not.”

* * *

** _H: Hair._ **

You love going down on your husband. You love the way his dick feels in your mouth, you love how he basically loses his mind when you blow him, you love making him feel good…

The list goes on and on.

But, as you stare down at your floss and the rather conspicuous _hair_ it pulled out from between your teeth…

There might just be one thing you don’t love about going down on your husband after all.

* * *

** _I: Intimacy._ **

“Yo, Y/N, Piotr, are you guys in here, you’ve been gone for hours --augh!”

Piotr whips a blanket over the two of you as Kitty runs --screaming--back through your bedroom door and down the hall.

You groan and drop your head against his chest. “I locked the door this time.”

“I know, I know.”

* * *

** _J: Jerking off._ **

The shower curtain whips back before he can make any progress. “Hey, Chrome Dong, Russell wants to know if we can order a pizza --_hello_!”

Piotr screams, startled, and nearly falls over. “_Blyad_! Wade! Get out!” He throws a shampoo bottle after the merc for good measure, but Wade’s already skipping away, cackling while he does so.

Piotr sighs, then slumps against the wall.

Well… he definitely doesn’t feel the need to masturbate anymore.

* * *

** _K: Kink._ **

“Babe --be reasonable about this.”

“I am being perfectly reasonable--”

“You are not!” You point a finger at him when he opens his mouth to protest. “Piotr Nikolaveitch Rasputin, you’ve got a broken hunk of dildo in your ass, and we need to go to Hank so he can take it out!”

Because, _somehow_, your husband had armored up while you were pegging him, which resulted in him accidentally clenching and --well--yeah.

“Look, he’s treated Wade for _far_ weirder.” Not a lie. “And Hank’s professional.” Also not a lie. “Besides, if a hospital turns us down because we’re mutants, what’re you going to do? Hope it’ll come out the next time you have to take a dump?”

Piotr merely groans and covers his face with his hands. “This is so embarrassing.”

* * *

** _L: Location._ **

“Hey, Cable wants to know how much longer until--” Ellie stops mid-sentence, turns around, and closes the door behind her as she walks out.

Piotr sighs deeply and starts lifting you off his lap. “See, _this_ is why I prefer doing this at home.”

“Okay, but in my defense, _you_ were supposed to lock the door this time.”

* * *

** _M: Motivation._ **

You always look beautiful to him. Even right now, dressed in your pajamas and your hair tied back in a messy bun.

He tells you a much as he kisses down the side of your neck and caresses your waist. “You look gorgeous. _Krasivaya_.”

But you’re not responding like you usually do, if anything you’re tensing up-- “Uh, Piotr?”

He looks in the direction you’re pointing --and _this_ is why he used to make a habit of keeping his PDA _very_ limited, but you’ve worn him down over the years, and _bozhe moi_, those are his _parents_ watching from the breakfast nook.

His mother simply lifts her coffee mug in a ‘cheers’ gesture and smirks.

Piotr slumps against the counter while you laugh. “Kill me now.”

* * *

** _N: No._ **

You groan when your husband shakes his head. “Piotr, _come on_, it’ll be fun! We’re even in the kitchen; no sheets to wash afterwards!”

“It is unhygienic.”

“_No_, it’s _sexy_! Here, I’ll show you.” You attempt to spray some whipped cream on him so you can lick it off, but he --somewhat expectedly--dodges the attempt. You dive after him, attempting to get him again--

And you slip on the blob of whipped cream that landed on the floor in your first attempt and go down in a heap, cracking your head against the floor. _Hard_.

You sob as Piotr kneels over you and starts fussing and worrying over you --and make a mental agreement with the universe. _Fine! No food-play! Message received! Now, please don’t let me have a concussion._

* * *

** _O: Oral._ **

There’s a lot of things you didn’t expect about sex. You didn’t expect it to be so sweaty. You didn’t expect being eaten out to feel so good. You didn’t expect half the noises it produced.

You also didn’t expect that you’d enjoy sucking your boyfriend’s dick.

But you do! And, perhaps unsurprisingly, he enjoys you sucking his dick as well! Everyone’s happy!

Speaking of happy…

You have to hold back the urge to grin when Piotr groans. You’re a couple minutes into this blowjob, and your jaw’s getting a little sore, but _hot damn _it’s worth it if he’s going to keep making noises like _that_. You work a little more of him into your mouth --you’re not quite up to deepthroating yet, but you’re slowly working on it because it honestly sounds like fun--

And then Piotr’s hips flex and accidentally shove his dick in _way_ too far, and you gag.

Piotr apologizes frantically while you cough and retch. “Are you okay?” he asks as he helps keep your hair out of your face. “Do you need some water?”

And that’s a definite no; water is the _opposite_ of what you need right now.

You stagger towards the bathroom as fast as you can.

* * *

** _P: Pace._ **

“_Myshka --myshka_, slow down.”

“Relax, I’m --ow!”

He catches you as you wince and whimper and carefully lifts you off him, despite the fact that he’s panicking internally. “_Blyad_, what did I just say?”

* * *

** _Q: Quickie._ **

“Really?”

“Yes, really!” you hiss as you drag your boyfriend down an empty hall. The two of you had been sent on banquet duty as representatives of the X-Men --or, in your opinion, “Make Y/N suffer by having her watch Piotr in a suit for several hours” duty. “You look fine as _fuck_, and I _need_ to do exactly that. Where the fuck is the janitor’s closet?”

“I think that kind of thing only happens in movies.”

“Dammit. Wait, the bathrooms are this way--”

“Absolutely not.”

You whine, then give him a hopeful, pleading look. “Leave early?”

He gives you a patient look in return. “You know we cannot.”

You growl under your breath and stomp back towards the banquet room, boyfriend in tow.

Suffering it is, then.

* * *

** _R: Risk._ **

It’s official. You have a mosquito bite on your ass.

You growl as you squirm to try and sate the itch. _Note to self: outdoor sex equals bad idea_.

* * *

** _S: Stamina._ **

He nearly has a heart attack when he gets your text in the middle of the morning.

_You: Need help. Can’t get out of bed. Urgent._

He gets Kurt to cover the rest of his first class, then armors down and runs up the three flights of stairs it takes to get to the room the two of you share.

You smile sheepishly at him when he bursts into your shared bedroom. “I can’t walk.”

“What’s wrong?” He kneels by your side of the bed. “Are you sick? Did you hurt your back?”

“No, no, last night. You killed my legs, babe.”

It takes him a minute, but he sighs with relief when it hits him. “_Bozhe moi_, I thought you were hurt.”

“I mean, I am.”

“No, like--”

You chuckle and kiss the top of his head. “I know what you meant, babe. But I really need to go to the bathroom…”

He laughs breathlessly and scoops you into his arms. “_Konechno_.”

“And I also haven’t had breakfast yet…”

“I’ll make sure you are all set before I go back to teaching, _myshka_.”

* * *

** _T: Toys._ **

Of course, the one time --the _one time_\--your vibrator breaks, it’s when Piotr’s out of town.

You make a noise of disgusted frustration as you chuck the busted hunk of plastic in your bathroom trash.

Honestly, fuck your life.

* * *

** _U: Unfair._ **

“I am so sorry,” you say as you hand Piotr a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a towel. “I couldn’t see, I had no idea--”

“Relax.” He flashes you a smile that’s mostly grimace as gingerly places the bag of frozen peas over his crotch. “That was good kick.”

He’d had you on your stomach and had been winding you up, teasing you while squirmed and begged…

And then you’d lashed out with what you’d _thought_ had been a gentle kick to his shoulder… and had both miscalculated your target and strength.

You offer him a somewhat cheesy smile, but it’s undercut by how bad you feel at having hurt him. “Hey… maybe you won’t tease me for so long next time?”

Piotr chuckles weakly. “Maybe.”

* * *

** _V: Volume._ **

You’d _thought_ that getting loud during sex was fun. You liked it, Piotr liked it, your walls were soundproofed so no one else complained…

Until one morning, when you hear your moans from the previous night being played back to you through Wade’s phone’s speaker.

You scream and start chasing him, while your fiancé simply drops his head into his hands.

* * *

** _W: Wild Card._ **

You wince as you sit down. Your wrist is starting to turn various ugly shades of purple and black; you prod at it and hiss. “I think I broke it.”

“Hang on,” Piotr says from the kitchen. “Let me stop my nose bleeding, and then I will take you to see Hank.”

You sigh, and do you best to keep from moving your wrist. _Note to self: never try to have sex while flying ever again._

* * *

** _X: X-ray._ **

You moan as Piotr’s grip on your hips tightens. It’s a Friday night, you’re on your hands and knees, and your boyfriend is railing you until kingdom come, _all the sinners stand up and sing hallelujah_.

But, of course, part of the drawback of going so fast is loss of control --namely, precision.

You feel Piotr slip out --and you can sense it happening before it does. His hips are angled wrong, he’s moving too fast, you can’t adjust your hips in time because of how tight his grip is…

And, for the first time in your life, your boyfriend’s possession of a massive package comes back to bite you in the ass.

Literally.

“_Ow_!”

* * *

** _Y: Yearning._ **

You love Piotr, and you know he loves you. He tells you as much, but he also shows it --through how he cares for you, how he laughs with you, how much he desires you…

But, right now, you just wish he’d desire you a little less.

“Look,” you snarl as Piotr rubs his hand up and down your leg. “I got my period today, and I feel like shit. So less--” you gesture at his hand “--_this_, and more… not _this_.”

He removes his hand and kisses your forehead. “Chocolate?”

“As much as you can find.”

* * *

** _Z: Zzz (sleep)._ **

He’d known you were tired when the two of you had decided to start this… but not _this_ tired.

Piotr chuckles as you snore softly against his shoulder. “I know you like sleeping, _moya lyubov’_, but I did not think even you would be capable of falling asleep while I make love to you.”

You don’t even so much as stir. If anything, you snore louder.

He chuckles again, then carefully withdraws from you and goes about getting ready for bed. He cleans himself up, gets into his pajamas, then gets you into a sleep shirt and some underwear --which also doesn’t wake you up--before tucking both of you in and turning out the lamp on his nightstand. “Sweet dreams, _myshka_.”

You mumble something in your sleep and snuggle closer to him.


End file.
